April 30, 2010

My first due date

Today our first baby should have been born. Today I should have been in the most excruciating pain in the world, but receiving the best gift imaginable at the end of that pain… our first child.

Today was our due date for our first baby, the baby that we miscarried just short of 6 weeks. I often think about that baby. Was it a boy or a girl, what would we have named it? I miss our first baby a lot. I think about that time in our lives a lot. I long for that unknowing joy that we had, the peace that we had, not knowing how it felt to have a miscarriage.

But today, instead of delivering our first child, I am thankful for the wonderful gift that we do have… a new hope, a wonderful beating heart, a perfectly formed baby inside of me right now. I am thankful for this baby that will bless our lives beyond measure in 7 short months.

Although I know that I’ll never forget our first baby, the first positive test that we got, or the first time that I told Matt we were pregnant; I do know that this baby, this miracle, has helped soften the pain of this day beyond words.

I am trying to prepare for the whirlwind of emotions this day will inevitably bring, moments of sadness for the loss of our first baby, and moments of extreme joy knowing that everything with this baby looks perfect right now.

I don't think I can truly prepare myself, so instead I'll just sit back and take each moment for what it's worth.

Here is the video that Matt took yesterday during our ultrasound. Be warned that it's very dark (they turn the lights off to better see the ultrasound screen) and we took this video with our crappy point and shoot camera on video mode, so it's a pretty bad video. And, it doesn't zoom very much so we couldn't get close enough to actually see the heart beating, etc. Either way, I think it's kinda cool to have on video.

(In case you missed the post from yesterday with information on how our ultrasound went, scroll down and meet baby King!)

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