Off!

I'm off for a grand trip with my dad and sister (who I haven't seen in months b/c she lives in Orlando). Matt leaves for Indiana for work related "stuff" this weekend, so I'm taking off with the fam!

Gone, Now, & Soon

Gone, Now, & Soon

Gone are the days that I can hear a pregnancy announcement and truly be excited.

Gone are the days of openly and freely dreaming about our family.

Gone are the days of attempting to plan when my maternity leave would “work out best”.

Gone are the days of buying cute onesies because they are on clearance.

Gone are the days of peeing on a stick and actually feeling hopeful.

Gone are the days of telling family that we’re pregnant before reaching the 12 week “safe zone”.

Gone are the days of living care free and spontaneous.



Now are the days of figuring out when I will get my next shots, ultrasound, or blood draw.

Now are the days of praying that God will hear our prayers and desires to be able to have a child.

Now are the days of tear filled mornings and nights.

Now are the days of anxiously worrying.

Now are the days of wondering if this one will stick.

Now are the days of feeling helpless, confused, and insecure.




Soon will be the days of joy.

Soon will be the days of unreserved happiness.

Soon will be the days that I will hear a heartbeat(s).

Soon will be the days that I will make Matt a father, my parents grandparents, and my sister an aunt.

Soon will be the days that we will look back on this time with thankfulness that God brought us though it, because we will have our babies in our arms.

The worst news yet...

Ok... so I must confess. We knew about a week ago that we were pregnant. We were extatic, thrilled, amazed! That was a week ago; today, our feelings are different. We had decided not to share the news on here yet b/c we knew that I was going to have a "high risk" pregnancy and we didn't want everyone to be so excited with us, and then have to feel what we've felt in the last 3 days.

I went for bloodwork Friday, everything looked ok, a bit low, but ok. I went back on Monday for bloodwork, my numbers had trippled, things were looking good, still a bit low, but trippeling which was amazing. I then went back on Wednesday, my numbers had dropped 5.... uh oh, something wasn't right. Today's results confirmed our worst fears, we have lost the baby.

I am surprisingly doing ok. I had basically delt with the fact that we were going to have a miscarriage after Wednesday's results. I really would be thrilled if I didn't ever again find myself laying in Matt's arms, while we both cry about the loss of our tiny, precious, baby King. Or trying to control my tears in between working with students, dodging my principal, or avoiding red, teary-eye contact with my coworkers. It may rank up there with one of the worst 24 hours of my life.

To make it worse we had just told our moms that we were pregnant. I have some of the most amazing pictures of my mom right as we told her. She was crying so hard she could barely open her eyes... I don't think I'm quite ready to look at those pictures again so I won't be posting them.

We hadn't even shared the info with our Dad's yet, our grandparents, or even my best friends! I couldn't wait to tell my dad! We had just bought baby golf clubs to put on his cart on Saturday during a golf tournament that we're all playing in. But my dad did find out... in fact my dad showed up minutes after I got the phone call from our nurse. What a God awful way to tell your dad that you are pregnant; bawling your eyes out as he comes to the front door because you are now going through a miscarriage.

I hope everyone understands why we didn't share this info a week ago. I share this now because I know there are lots of women dealing with loss while facing the challenges of infertility that could relate to my story, and frankly, I think it's healing to let it all out.

We don't know the plan yet as far as when we can start trying again. I will go for bloodwork again next Friday to make sure that all of my pregnancy hormones are back to 0, and then we'll wait to hear from our doctor when we can begin injections again. I'm hoping it's sooner than later so that this healing process can move along. A small part of me is thrilled. Thrilled to know that we CAN get pregnant. That the pain of all of the shots and invasive ultrasounds CAN be worth it, but it still doesn't take away the sting of losing our first baby, even if he had only been a part of us for 5 weeks.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us, we really do appreciate it. We know God has a plan for us, we're trying to be faithful and patient for his timing, but it's still tough.

New Toy!

We got a new, way sweet camera this week. We had decided to head to our local camera store to "look" for a new camera, and by the end of the week we had purchased our "supposed to be Christmas present". It is a Sony a330. We LOVE it! We have both been taking pictures of everything!



Chuse had her "lady stuff" fixed and claws taken out this week, she has been quite the little trooper though! Here are some pictures of my baby, of course with our new camera:






And this picture of Junie, which I just love!


In other news, still no news... we are going to take a break for a few months while I get into the school year and then we'll start up with everything again.

Answers!

Thank you so much for the great questions! Matt and I have answered the questions below, I know I said I would post these Thursday but I am going to be out of town. Enjoy!

Bold= Bailey

Italicized = Matt


1. If you end up with twins and could choose the sex of the twins, what would you want?



To be perfectly honest, and this will seem cliché, I don’t care as long as they are both healthy. Too often twins end up in the NICU and I would love to avoid that. =) If I really had to choose I think a boy and a girl would be really fun. Matt has cousins that are twins, a boy and a girl, and I think they have an awesome relationship.


Matt - I would love to have 2 boys just because I think they would have fun in sports together. I would also like a boy and a girl because then you get to deal with both worlds at the same time and maybe the brother will watch out for his sister a little bit. I would take 2 girls, but I can just see them shopping with Bailey....that just can't be good news!


2. How many kids would you like to have, in total?



I would love 3-4, but it also depends on how many come each time. =)



Matt - I want to have 2 or 3 kids, possibly 4 if Bailey can talk me into it later. If we do end up with twins I would want to have 3 kids, otherwise I would like to at least like to bring a baby(ies) home 2 times.



3.How do you feel about selective reduction?



Selective reduction: Couples who are expecting three or more babies may wish, or be advised, to consider reducing the number of viable fetuses to two. The reduction procedure is usually performed between the 10th and 12th weeks of pregnancy by injecting one or more of the fetuses. Fetal reduction increases the chance of a mother having one or two healthy babies instead of a miscarriage or very premature delivery of three or more babies who are much more likely to die or to suffer from long-term disability. (http://www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com/articles/ber_q11.html)



For us, this isn’t something that we would do. I known doctors have to look at the safety side of having multiples, but if that’s what God gives us, we’ll take it and run with it.



Matt - I would not use selective reduction. I personally don't feel that is right for us. Especially with the issues we have been dealing with, I am not going to reduce one because there are "too many." I think things happen for a reason (right Bailey) and we would live with whatever happened.


4. How long does it take after the IUI before you know if you are pregnant since the sperm doesn't have to travel through the fallopian tubes?



For clarification, the sperm do still have to travel through the fallopian tubes. The IUI simply bypasses them having to travel through the cervix, up to the uterus. The sperm get deposited in the uterus, then they still have to travel into the fallopian tubes to fertilize the egg(s).


We “should” be able to take a test at home about 2 weeks after the IUI. We would then go in for bloodwork the next week to confirm if we were pregnant. However, we won’t be telling anyone (yes, even you mom =) until we see the heartbeat(s) which is at 6 weeks, and then we’ll probably hold off telling others for awhile after that to get out of the “worrisome” weeks. This is our personal decision for many reasons. I have Crohn’s disease and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) BOTH of which have higher miscarriage rates associated with them, and we don’t want to put ourselves through all that comes with telling people and then having a miscarriage, God forbid that would happen.



5. Do you collect the sperm sample at home or the hospital?? If at the hospital, are there 'naughty' things in the room to get the process going??



Because we are within 25 minutes of our clinic we have the option of collecting at home, which is obviously a bit less uncomfortable. =) I do have friends that have to do it at the clinic and yes, they said there is “naughty stuff” in the rooms.





6.How long have you guys been "trying" before you went into the doctor to see what was wrong?



We had been trying a little over two months before we went to talk with my dr. The reason we went so quickly was that it had been over 100 days since my last cycle, so we were obviously concerned for my health, not just conceiving.


7.This is weird question but the picture of you laying back is it to help you?



Yup, laying back helps gravity do it’s thing a little bit better.



8.Have you ever thought of a surrogate mother or adoption?
I am not trying to be nosy but I guess I have never known someone that has fertility problems.



I have never thought about a surrogate mother. I have thought briefly about adoption, but we haven’t had that whole discussion yet. We are still in the beginning of our treatment options so we have several things left to try before we “need” to have those discussions. I have always felt that God would pull us towards when the time is right, and we haven’t felt that yet.



Matt - I have never thought about using a surrogate mother. I would love to adopt if we can't have children on our own, maybe even if we do have children.





9. What would you do if you were blessed with multiples?



I think what everyone would do, be thankful and learn to adapt… quickly! =) I absolutely understand that multiples mean a ton more work, money, and time, however, I know that we would be just fine if that’s what we’re given.



Matt - Live the dream! I would also tell Bailey that when she pulls the goalie and the team scores, she is supposed to put the goalie back in the game before they go down and score again.



10.What questions did you feel were vital to ask at your first fertility appointment?

I had done quite a bit of research before our appointment and I was fairly certain that I did have PCOS, so I asked a lot of questions about the diagnosis process, etc. I also asked what our dr. thought the probability was of us being able to conceive if I did have PCOS. I also asked if there was anything that I could be doing to help all of the nasty symptoms that I was having from the PCOS.



Matt - Asking Bailey where I should sit if they do an exam (which I didn’t do… but we have a funny story because of it). Also, what the process is going to be moving forward including what happens if certain steps in the process fail.


11.Were there things that you learned along the way that you wish you had known sooner?

Hmmm… this was the only one that stumped me. =) Although I think optimism is key, I guess I wish I would have known that there were going to be medicines that did nothing for me, and that this would be quite a process. I think having a realistic idea of that, would have prevented a lot of tears and heartache. I had had so many friends that Clomid helped them conceive in their first month that I was under the impression it would do the same for me, so when it did nothing I was devastated. I also think a key to this process, at least for me, is being super informed! I have to know everything about every possibility that may be coming down the road for us. I read a ton online and in books to help me know what we were up against, and what some of our treatment options would be. Every time we went for an appointment and the dr would mention a medicine, I already knew everything about it that I felt I needed to, the side effects, how to take it, etc. This has helped me a lot! I have always felt somewhat in control of my body and what was going on, the not knowing is what makes me get very anxious!



Matt - Not that I can think of. What I have learned has been part of the process and I don't think knowing much of that information sooner would have helped the situation we were in.


12.How much do those drugs cost?

I should start by saying that I am VERY lucky, and definitely in the minority, because I do have a certain amount of infertility coverage. (**amount in parenthesis is what I think I remember it said if I did not use insurance).



Clomid – It was relatively inexpensive, I think around $30 a month that was without using my insurance.

Femara - $15 ($120)

HCG Trigger shot - $25 ($75)

Repronex injections - $25 ($300)



On top of the medicines I then have 2-3 ultrasound per month (which are pretty pricey) and then bloodwork and dr’s visits. I definitely won’t complain because I am one of the few who has infertility coverage, and if we do end up doing in vitro it will be closer to $15,000 to $20,000.



13.Are the drugs available at any pharmacy or do you have to get them somewhere special?



A lot of the people I know order their medicines from online pharmacies to save money, but since I do have coverage I get them from a local pharmacy. There is only one that carries the injectible medicines, otherwise I get the other meds at the closest pharmacy.



14. I was just wondering, if you first child is a boy, will you still name it Keri, or only if it is a girl?

To my lovely sister (Keri),

After several hours of negotiations with Matt (and Dad’s advice too), I think that the name Keri is no longer in the running. I am very sorry to have to tell this to you. But, I still love you! =)






15. What have you gained/learned from this experience?



The most important thing that I have learned is that having a strong marriage is critical for this process. It has been amazing to see how strong Matt has been for me at those times that I truly needed him to be strong. I have realized through all of this how thankful I am that God sent me such an amazing guy. I also have learned that it’s important to be knowledgeable in the “infertility lingo” so that you feel empowered and not clueless. Finally, I have been totally humbled by the fact that God is in control and He has a plan for us, now it’s our job to sit back and wait for his plan to unfold.


Matt - A new understanding of my wife. I always thought that she was anxious about everything and the she just needed to calm down a little bit. That may be true in some cases, but I can now understand why she feels like that about infertility and our situation (and the fact that PCOS causes anxiousness). It is frustrating and nerve-racking because we don't know what the future holds on with this. I can understand why she was so anxious about this much longer ago than myself because I didn't know near what I know now. Also, I always knew that she loved children and I knew she would be a great mother, but now I can only imagine the mom she is going to be once we are finally blessed with a child. We have worked so hard for this that she is going to treat our child(ren) like royalty, and not just because they are Kings. I have also learned that we have some really true friends around us that are always there to listen and support us in our situation. Lastly, I have come to realize that I can't wait to be a father and that I want to be one so bad. Yea, I always felt like I would be a good dad and that I wanted to be a dad sometime, but I have never wanted that opportunity more than now. The actual last one, this really isn't something that I have learned or gained but more reaffirmed, is that everything is in God's hands and He has a plan for us. He knows what is best for us and that may be hard for us to understand at times, but in the end everything always seems to make sense if you just believe and trust in Him.

Questions? Questions?

Since beginning this entire "process" we have received lots of questions from people, some who we know, and some that we don't. So, I thought it was time to do an official Q&A session. So... this is where we need your help!

Please send us a question that you would like us (myself or Matt) to answer. It can be related to technical infertility stuff that you have read on our blog but don't understand, or a question relatead to anything else that you want us to answer.

Leave a message on here with your question, send it to me on facebook, or email us (I plan to answer these on Thursday, so make sure your question is in by then =).

Can't wait to hear what you want to know!

IUI... and the waiting game begins

The IUI this morning wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined. A big part of the fact that it wasn't bad at all has to do with our amazing nurse Jamie!!! She is the sweetest, kindest, most pleasant nurse I've ever had. She works directly for Dr. O and she is the one that lines up all of my medicines at the pharmacy, schedules my apts and ultrasounds (even when there is no room to fit me in the schedule she makes it work) and she is also the one that did our IUI this morning.

It was quite interesting. We dropped "the goods" off at 9am, then went shopping for a while. At 10am we came back for the procedure. I'll spare the details since I know a lot of my family read this blog =) But I just wanted to let everyone know we're home, and after having to lay down for 4 hours, all is good. Now we begin the waiting game to see if this did the trick. Jamie, Tammy (the awesome ultrasound tech) and Dr. O are all very hopeful... so I might as well be too! =)

Here are some pictures from today.

Jamie and I (it was early and I had no desire to put makeup on, plus we were the only people in the entire clinic, except for the guy cleaning the fish tank =)


Laying upside down for 25 minutes before we could go home... oh how the life of an infertile takes away your modesty!

Scan #2... and 2 follicles ready!

Our appointment today went great!!! The ultrasound showed a great lining (8mm) and two nice follicles a 21mm (which will be about 24mm at IUI time) and a 18mm (which will be about 21mm at IUI time). We are so excited! The dr. was so excited when our nurse called and told him the news (he was at the hospital) she said that she's never heard him so excited! He just kept saying "that's beautiful", I love it!!! I was so relieved and thankful when I saw the follicles on the screen, they are nice and fat and ready to go, thank you God (and all of you praying for us)!

Matt just got done giving me the trigger shot (Hcg) and then our IUI will be Saturday morning at 9am. I am so excited and suddenly incredibly hopeful for this month (although I think that’s been a theme every month that we’ve tried something new). I can hardly believe that there are two nice follicles ready and waiting!

Bring on the twins! ;-) (this was too cute, I had to put it on here!)


Thanks for checking in on us and for keeping us in your prayers!

Follicle Scan #1

Well I'm just back from the ultrasound and things went ok. I had two follicles (cd12) one at 13mm and one at 16mm both on my left ovary. Once again righty did NOTHING... urrr. Anyway, I was a bit disappointed b/c I was hoping with the injections this month that things would be looking better, I just had a feeling there would be more growth. Matt kept telling me I'm silly for being disappointed. I think he's right, at least there were some follicles, I really shouldn’t complain.

I go back Thursday for another scan, and hopefully a trigger shot, followed by an IUI Saturday. I'm hoping the follicles are 17mm and 20mm by our next scan on Thursday afternoon.

Ok IF girls, question for ya:
Do you think the 13mm will have a chance? The ultrasound tech made it sound like the 13mm today wouldn't stand a chance at all. What do you girls think?


Thanks for checking in on us and for keeping us in your prayers!

**Leave us a comment if you have a second to two, we’d love to hear from you!**

from needle phob... to shot pro!

Ok, I'm not exactly a shot pro yet, but it's going SO much better than I expected. I had my first two shots on Thursday and Friday done by the nurse, I laid perfectly still and quiet and tried to think good thoughts during both of them. She talked through it all with Matt as she was doing it, so that he would be ready to do it on his own this weekend.

We were at lake Delhi with some friends (I'll post more on that later, it was Christmas on the lake and we were put in charge of decorating the pontoon for Christmas, and since I'm obsessed with Christmas it got crazy!) so Matt had to give me his first shot (my 3rd) at their house. Everything went really well! In fact, it hurt less when he did it than when the nurse did it. Today will be my last shot and then a scan (ultrasound) on Tuesday to see how many follicles grew from all of these meds. I can't wait to hopefully see several nice big follicles on the screen! Hopefully things will look ready and then Matt will give me the "trigger" shot Tuesday night to make the follicles release.

Here are my meds, syringes, and needles all lined up and ready to go:



I'm feeling hopeful, optimistic and excited!!! Fingers crossed this does the trick!