August 28, 2009

The worst news yet...

Ok... so I must confess. We knew about a week ago that we were pregnant. We were extatic, thrilled, amazed! That was a week ago; today, our feelings are different. We had decided not to share the news on here yet b/c we knew that I was going to have a "high risk" pregnancy and we didn't want everyone to be so excited with us, and then have to feel what we've felt in the last 3 days.

I went for bloodwork Friday, everything looked ok, a bit low, but ok. I went back on Monday for bloodwork, my numbers had trippled, things were looking good, still a bit low, but trippeling which was amazing. I then went back on Wednesday, my numbers had dropped 5.... uh oh, something wasn't right. Today's results confirmed our worst fears, we have lost the baby.

I am surprisingly doing ok. I had basically delt with the fact that we were going to have a miscarriage after Wednesday's results. I really would be thrilled if I didn't ever again find myself laying in Matt's arms, while we both cry about the loss of our tiny, precious, baby King. Or trying to control my tears in between working with students, dodging my principal, or avoiding red, teary-eye contact with my coworkers. It may rank up there with one of the worst 24 hours of my life.

To make it worse we had just told our moms that we were pregnant. I have some of the most amazing pictures of my mom right as we told her. She was crying so hard she could barely open her eyes... I don't think I'm quite ready to look at those pictures again so I won't be posting them.

We hadn't even shared the info with our Dad's yet, our grandparents, or even my best friends! I couldn't wait to tell my dad! We had just bought baby golf clubs to put on his cart on Saturday during a golf tournament that we're all playing in. But my dad did find out... in fact my dad showed up minutes after I got the phone call from our nurse. What a God awful way to tell your dad that you are pregnant; bawling your eyes out as he comes to the front door because you are now going through a miscarriage.

I hope everyone understands why we didn't share this info a week ago. I share this now because I know there are lots of women dealing with loss while facing the challenges of infertility that could relate to my story, and frankly, I think it's healing to let it all out.

We don't know the plan yet as far as when we can start trying again. I will go for bloodwork again next Friday to make sure that all of my pregnancy hormones are back to 0, and then we'll wait to hear from our doctor when we can begin injections again. I'm hoping it's sooner than later so that this healing process can move along. A small part of me is thrilled. Thrilled to know that we CAN get pregnant. That the pain of all of the shots and invasive ultrasounds CAN be worth it, but it still doesn't take away the sting of losing our first baby, even if he had only been a part of us for 5 weeks.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us, we really do appreciate it. We know God has a plan for us, we're trying to be faithful and patient for his timing, but it's still tough.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

From someone who lost a baby boy when I was over 6 months pregnant and then had another miscarriage, I know that you WILL be parents. Keep your faith - God will provide. I also know how hard it is. I've tried not looking or speaking to you as I sensed something happened. It brought back memories from almost 35 years ago for me. I love you Matt & Bailey. May God Bless You. Linda Mahncke (mom of 3 and grandma of 1)

lowfatlady said...

I'm sorry for your loss *hug*

Becky Smith said...

May you both be covered by a blanket of peace and comfort in the day ahead.

Love,
Becky

Amelia Bales said...

Bails,
I have been reading your blog and hoping and hoping and praying for you, this is a really huge loss and I'm so sorry that this had to happen. From what I've read you have been through a tremendous amount of stress and sadness. But I feel optimistic for you, I mean if you actually got pregnant this time, I know it will happen again, I know that you and Matt will get through this together it seems you are so strong together from what I have read. I hope that you can stay positive and move through this, that baby is going to come I believe that.

MysteriousMindy said...

oh man so tough! Words cannot come close I'm sure to the feelings you are experiencing, but I'm glad you are able to speak openly and honestly about your loss. I hope that you are able to find comfort from those around you, even myself who hasn't even met you but wants to wrap my arms around you. Praying for you both always

Mindy
www.mysteriousmindy.blogspot.com

Staci said...

I'm so sorry Bailey!! I had a sneaking suspicion something was up this week. I hope you can find comfort in something and know that He has a plan for you. I'll be thinking of and praying for you and Matt!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. {{HUGS}} and prayers sent you way.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

bailey-i am so very sorry. i could tell by your last post that you were pregnant and keeping it quiet. apparently i read too many blogs. i wish this post was a great announcement and not bad news. i wish i could take your pain away or say something to comfort you. im sorry for your loss and hope you heal quickly.

Erin

Amber said...

im so sorry for your loss. will definitely be praying for yall

beth ewing said...

i'm so sorry. i found you through erin (hoping for our own peanut). my husband and i had a miscarriage after trying for 18 months to get pregnant. i know how much more devastating it is when you've struggled to get pregnant. i'm so sorry for your loss and if you ever want someone to talk to i'd be happy to talk...not as someone who has it all figured out but someone that has been where you are.

MoDLin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been there and it hurts, it really hurts.

The March of Dimes has created a bereavement kit for people who have suffered the loss of a child either through miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defect... You can read about this sensitive, helpful and free material at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp. Best wishes to you both.