I've had so many thoughts going through my head lately, and yet I struggle to wrap them up into a thoughtful blog. So tonight I choose to ramble, don't say I didn't warn you.
*I can't believe how I constantly think of all of my real life friends, and online friends who are still dealing with infertility. There is something about being pregnant after dealing with infertility that leaves me longing so badly for the rest of the "infertile crew" to have this same opportunity. I have a friend that recently suffered another miscarriage and I think of her and her husband ALL of the time. I am SO grateful for the precious baby girl in my stomach, but I still ache for the others who have yet to experience this.
*Is it weird that I still can't believe I'm pregnant?!? I was asked by a few parents at school this week when my baby is due and I stood in awe that a)I'm actually pregnant and b)my belly looks pregnant enough for them to ask without knowing that I actually am pregnant. I thank God for this baby every day but I am still so amazed that I truly am pregnant.
*Exactly one year ago this week we learned that we were miscarrying our first baby. It was the hardest week of my life and I learned what a phenomenal husband and friends and family I had. I remember sitting in our church's annual "special" service that is held on the campus of our local college, and watching cardboard testimonials go across the stage. Basically music is played, and then people put a sentence about their life struggles on a piece of cardboard and walk across the stage. I had JUST began passing the baby the night before we attended this service. About 3 people into the series there was a young couple that held a piece of cardboard together, when they flipped it over it said something like "4 years trying to conceive, 3 miscarriages, learning to trust God". I lost it. I sat next to my mom on one side and Matt on the other and I cried uncontrollably. My shoulders shook and tears flowed. My mom handed me a napkin from her purse, and before I could look up she was grabbing one for herself too. That was such a hard time for me. It is unbelievable to think that one year later I will be sitting in that same service on campus again this coming weekend and instead of being heartbroken, my heart is full to the rim.
*I am in awe and in love with feeling the baby move and kick. It is absolutely the most phenomenal feeling in the world. I find myself with a grin from ear to ear and sometimes even giggling when she starts to kick like crazy. I am so in love with this little being inside of me, I already feel like the love I have for her is spilling over, I don't think I can even begin to imagine how much more I will love this little girl once she is here.
*Worry. Need I really say more? I worry SO MUCH about our baby. For example, today I have been having pains down the side of my stomach towards my pelvis, which has me worried like crazy. The rational side of my brains knows its almost certainly ligament pain from my uterus growing. The irrational (and louder side of my brain) thinks the worst: surely something has happened to the baby and my body is trying to contract and expel it. Sick, I know. I just can't stop worrying. And tonight, of course, I have not felt her move. I put those two facts together and I turn into a ball of worry. I wouldn't change being pregnant for anything, but I would LOVE to not have all of this worry constantly hanging over me. I don't know if it's my personality to worry, a side effect of infertility, something that will always hang with me because we have previously lost a baby, or a mix of all of the above....sigh... I hope this will be better when she is here, but I'm thinking it will only be worse, right?
And on a closing note, a letter to our babe:
Dear Baby King,
Your daddy and I love you SO incredibly much! I think about you all day long, and dream of what you will look like and act like. I hope you will have your daddy's straight, perfect teeth, and his perfect little giggle. But I hope you get my blue eyes, your daddy's eyes are a mushy brown color. I love you with my whole heart. Keep growing and kicking so your mommy doesn't have to worry so darn much about you.