December 17, 2009

My 26th Birthday... save me!

Today is my 26th Birthday. I should be elated. I'm not. Now before you judge me, I know some people consider 26 to be so young. I would on a normal year too, but not this year.

This year I'm turning 26 without the one thing I wanted most for this birthday. A baby, or at least I hoped to be growing a baby. It may seem ridiculous to not be happy on my birthday, but really, why do I have to try and fake what I'm not. I'm kind of over faking things lately, if you haven't noticed.

I refuse to fake being ok anymore. If you ask how I am, and I'm not ok that day, I'm going to say "I've been better". If you tell me your pregnant and I cry, it's because it hurts, badly, not because I'm angry at you, but I won't be fake, instead I'll just need some time.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have: an amazing husband, a phenomenal family, a supportive and awesome group of friends, a great job, a nice house, two sweet little kitties who act JUST like children, and ever growing faith.

But the hole in my heart for a child is still there, and it stings, even on this day, my birthday. It's hard to believe that I'm 26 and childless.


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! I'm sorry your with out what you want most. I hope this next year brings it to you.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I ran across your blog the other day, and as a fellow PCOSer I can totally relate. I just had my 3rd consecutive loss a few weeks ago. I turn 30 next week. I never imagined being 30 and having no children - especially with being able to get pregnant fairly easy considering my issues.

I hope this year brings you what you so badly want. If you need to vent, you can email me at and there's a great online support system at