January 23, 2010

Teetering


We stand on the edge of a very important teeter totter, leaning one way (or getting pushed) will decide a lot of things about our future.

I guess I should back-track a little bit. I've had lots of people ask me what's going on with Iowa City and our attempt at conceiving this month, and why haven't I been writing much about it? It's a two fold answer.

The fact that I haven't been writing much was a completely subconscious decision. I didn't consciously decide to not share much this time... it just sort of happened. I think I was worried that this cycle wouldn't work and I didn't want people to get excited for us as everyone went on this "ride" with us, only to be disappointed.

But the short story is that everything went absolutely perfect this cycle. The shots worked like a charm, the appointments went awesome, we had TWO PERFECT eggs, and awesome IUI numbers.... but it wasn't God's timing for us. Which takes me to the teetering.

I'm teetering today between being a hot mess (just ask my poor husband) and remaining hopeful for a miracle. We are fairly certain (99%) that this cycle is a bust. I've not had that "maybe I could be pregnant feeling" for the last week, so this shouldn't be a surprise to me. But it is. It's a surprise that I didn't want this cycle. We have put SO much time, energy, money and prayers (thank you again to everyone who had a part in praying for us) into this attempt, we were SO hopeful!!

I'm devastated. I sat in our bed and cried. I stood in the shower and cried. I cleaned our bedroom and cried. It's an awful swing to go from hopeful to devastated.

We go Monday for bloodwork and tests to "see if I'm pregnant".... right. I think the stark white test is proof enough for me, but I guess I'll do what they tell me to do. So for the next 48 hours I'll attempt to hold onto the thread of hope that maybe a miracle positive will show up in the tests Monday, but to be honest, I'm not too hopeful.

I'm sad to know that we have another 5-6 weeks to wait before we can even give this all a try again. Our Dr. requires a cycle "break" to let the ovaries rest since they have just been pumped full of hormones in an effort to make them work. So I guess we'll sit for the next month'ish and try to take our minds off of what could have been, and instead think about where we want to head. We've got lots of options that all deserve careful consideration before we decide what is in the plan for us next.

Thanks again for caring enough to check in.

2 comments:

lowfatlady said...

I'm sorry this cycle isn't turning out the way you had hoped. I know exactly how you feel. I also hate it when I am put on a break when all I want to do is try again. I hope you are able to easily decide what the next steps for you are.

Anonymous said...

Please don't give up hope! God has a plan and it will work. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but this will happen. Look at all of the positive that happened this month....you're on the right path! I love you! Mom