February 4, 2011

Unable to pull my thoughts together... let's call it mom-brain

I haven't blogged in quite some time, maybe the longest length of time that I've gone in a year at least. I just haven't really been able to pull my thoughts together. I've got so many different things that I'd like to write about, but it's just not happening for me. So tonight I just feel like getting some things out of my brain, and maybe I'll go back later and write more about some of them... or maybe not.

*The love I feel for Kinley is completely indescribable. I NEVER would have guessed that I would feel this much love for her, or have no desire to ever leave her, not even for dinner out with my husband.

*I laugh out loud nearly every day at some face or noise that Kinley makes, and then I laugh at the fact that I'm laughing out loud at an 8 week old baby.

*Matt is beyond amazing... I've only made dinner twice (maybe) since Kinley was born. He has completely taken over so many household duties in an effort to make my life easier, or so that I can feed Kinley. I am amazed nearly every day at how lucky I am to be married to such an unselfish, amazing, Godly man.

*Tonight I took a pregnancy test. I know, crazy. Even though I have less than a 1% chance of conceiving while breastfeeding (for the first 6 months) I was almost certain that we actually had a chance at being pregnant... we're not. You would think that I wouldn't care, we have an amazing EIGHT WEEK OLD daughter. Bud I did. It was awful to see a blank pregnancy test, it truly brought back almost all of the awful feelings from the year and a half when we constantly had blank tests to look at. I was not expecting to feel so emotional at seeing the negative tonight. I HATE that we are already back in the grind of thinking about being pregnant again. We had six glorious weeks of not thinking about even trying to get pregnant, and now we are totally back where we started 2 years ago. I know, we're crazy wanting another baby already. But truthfully it's more like we'd be thrilled to get pregnant all on our own, but have almost zero expectations of that actually happening.

*I didn't think that my post-baby weight would worry me as much as it is. I've lost all of the weight I gained during pregnancy, plus another eleven pounds, but I still feel the need to lose a lot more in order to feel good about myself. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose before I get back to where I started at when we began treatments. I'd gain it all again, plus more, in order to have Kinley, but I still can't wait to get it off!

*I CAN NOT believe that Kinley was born 8 1/2 weeks ago!! My goodness how time flies!

*I feel guilty every single day that I don't take pictures of Kinley. For some reason I have this guilt hanging over me that because we have nice cameras, and now how to take good pictures, that we should be taking pictures to document Kinley's life on a daily basis... which is so not happening. I feel like I am going to look back in a few years with huge regrets that I didn't take enough pictures of every day life with Kinley.

*This week I totally wiped out going down our stairs... while holding Kinley. It was the scariest moment ever! Thank goodness I was holding Kinley in one hand against my chest, so as I fell I grasped her tighter, braced with my other hand, and she hardly even knew what happened. I have had the fear of falling down our stairs since I got pregnant, now I'm super petrified that it's going to happen again, ugh.

*We are taking Kinley's 2 month picture this weekend, and then we have her appointment Tuesday, so I promise to get a new post up Tuesday or Wednesday with her 2 month stats.

Thanks for checking in on us, sorry we haven't been updating much lately.

And since it would be just cruel to have a post without a picture, here you are: (Take from my phone this past week, so they are kind of crappy)

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