Today is my 26th Birthday. I should be elated. I'm not. Now before you judge me, I know some people consider 26 to be so young. I would on a normal year too, but not this year.
This year I'm turning 26 without the one thing I wanted most for this birthday. A baby, or at least I hoped to be growing a baby. It may seem ridiculous to not be happy on my birthday, but really, why do I have to try and fake what I'm not. I'm kind of over faking things lately, if you haven't noticed.
I refuse to fake being ok anymore. If you ask how I am, and I'm not ok that day, I'm going to say "I've been better". If you tell me your pregnant and I cry, it's because it hurts, badly, not because I'm angry at you, but I won't be fake, instead I'll just need some time.
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have: an amazing husband, a phenomenal family, a supportive and awesome group of friends, a great job, a nice house, two sweet little kitties who act JUST like children, and ever growing faith.
But the hole in my heart for a child is still there, and it stings, even on this day, my birthday. It's hard to believe that I'm 26 and childless.
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2 comments:
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry your with out what you want most. I hope this next year brings it to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I ran across your blog the other day, and as a fellow PCOSer I can totally relate. I just had my 3rd consecutive loss a few weeks ago. I turn 30 next week. I never imagined being 30 and having no children - especially with being able to get pregnant fairly easy considering my issues.
I hope this year brings you what you so badly want. If you need to vent, you can email me at kkolmetz@gmail.com and there's a great online support system at www.soulcysters.net
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