Alligator (from Feb 09)

“Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome”… she said to us as we sat in the Dr.’s office, me on the awkward table with the stirrups, Matt in the tiny chair shoved in the corner. “Weight gain, thinning hair, increase in breakouts, and possible infertility are all common symptoms” she told us, “We’ll begin with blood work to see what we have to work with.”

Great… another disease to add to my repertoire. We can do this though, we’ll get through it, Matt loves me for who I am, not my increased waist size or crappy fertility.

The results of the blood work should be in today. I need to call, get it over with, what if she isn’t in the office all day? I need to just call and be done with this stomach ache. I waited for a quiet moment in my office to call the Dr.’s office. It finally came… I heard the horrible elevator music for a long time, and then finally a woman’s voice came on the phone.

I told her why I was calling. She took my name and number and said the nurse would call me back by the end of the day. Perfect, why not make me wait a little bit longer?

It was 3:38pm… my cell phone finally began ringing. I quickly grabbed it and ran across the hall where I knew I could get better reception. The Dr.’s nurse began to talk and I heard something about it being a low number. I quickly interrupted her to get the facts, “What exactly is my progesterone level?” I asked. I knew I was hoping for something over ten….

“0.47…” she said.

“Wow… really low, huh? So that means there is no way that I’m ovulating, right?”

“Correct"

I began to fade out what I was hearing.

… 0% chance of conceiving on my own right now, fabulous, just what every girl has always dreamed of hearing.

… “will need fertility medicine, and there are no guarantees that that will work, we’ll take it from here and see what we need to do.”

… “she needs to still consult with another Dr. to come up with an action plan, she will call you tomorrow….”

I hung up the phone and thought I was ok. I ran some errands, got my hair cut, came home for dinner and, one poorly placed comment later, I lost it. Big, fat, streaming alligator tears.

Do I really need to go through all of this too, I mean, come on! Why does everyone else in my family just THINK about getting pregnant and it happens for them? I’ve always dreamed of being a mother, what if it doesn’t happen for us? I know we’ll get pregnant, just relax. BUT, what if we don’t? Can I handle not ever having the chance to carry our child, to give birth to something that was created by us, that IS us? I don’t know if I can handle that. God, I know you are there, please just take this situation over and be in control. I want so badly to be the strong Christian who knows there is a plan, but I’m having a hard time giving up that control and not knowing if it will ever happen for us. Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 56:10 Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21 Ok, I’ll trust your plan, just give me the strength to do so.


(See post below if you're confused right now) =)